Tag Archives: diy

Slow Cooker Spiced Pear Cider

Final Slow Cooker Spiced Pear Cider

In ‘making this recipe up land’ I’ve discovered that throwing random fall spices into a slow cooker for cider feels the same as imagining out spices for baking. In your mind the flavors fuse together as you toss them into the bowl, and you can just taste the future flavors ahead. Eventually, after you experiment and come to know these slow cooker cider recipes, you can make ones that revolve around your mouth’s desires, especially if you’re like me and love tons of cinnamon in your drink (benefits of the single life do include having everything taste the way only you want, without having to care about others’ mouths).

I have  a confession you can’t tell the other white ladies. I’ve grown a bit weary of the pumpkin spice. It has been used in the slow cooker apple cider, and the cookie pumpkin dough, the pumpkin spice ketchup

 

Since time is rolling into the holidays I decided to use up the last of the spices in my little bags and see what nature could fondle together with some pears, anise, cloves, cinnamon, and why not some garam masala?

My mouth is so glad this concoction was fused together.

Pear Cider

All of the spicy sweetness you could want comes through with each sip, and you get a little twist for a holiday drink that will make all of your guests feel they’ve stepped into the great hall for a feast. If you all wear your house scarves and serve this with pumpkin pasties (coming soon 😉 , then call me so I can join.

If you want to be more traditional then you can definitely stick with the spices in the slow cooker apple cider and just substitute out the apples for pears.

Rawr

I personally prefer the pears now because they have a more seductive and deep taste that goes well with fall spices, but I’ve honestly always preferred pears to apples.

This cider is so inspiringly delicious I’ve already made a cocomilk pear spiced latte, pear spiced brownies…I totally left the oven on. Woops *texts roomy to please turn off oven*. Woot technology and slow baking(I’ve been baking at low temps lately for thorough heating and close to god level deliciousness). 

Pear cider cocomilk

Soon there will be a pear spiced cake. Keep your mouths watering. 

Pear Cider Ingredients

Ingredients:

4-5 Pears (I used bosc pears)

1 Tablespoon Whole Anise

2 Teaspoons Whole Cloves

3 Cinnamon Sticks

1 Tsp Garam Masala Powder

7-9 Cups Fresh Filtered Water (Quality Matters)

 

 

Visual Tutorial

  1. Compile all of your spices and pears together:

Pear Cider Ingredients

2.   Chop your pears into quarters:

Chopped Pears

3.  Put the pears into the slow cooker and fill up with water:

Into the Pot

 

4.  Dump all of your spices into a nut bag or directly into the slow cooker (to be strained out later:

IMG_20151123_192527

5.   Cook on low for six hours or high for three hours

6.   On the last hour smash the pears against the side of your slow cooker.

7.   Take out the spice bag or strain through a colander over a large pot.

8.   To serve simply warm in the slow cooker and serve to overjoyed guests.

Serve

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Tigernut Cereal (Sweetner Free, Low Carb and Paleo)

Raw Eating

Are you ready for adult cinnamon toast crunch?

People generally think cutting entire foods out of staple meals is so scary that all staples no longer fit into your red stapler body and it’s going to burn down. (Office Space reference, if you have not watched it then you have the Internet and thus no excuse not to. You can even leave me to go watch it right now…I’ll miss you though). 

For this body, food has never tasted so mouth dripping blissful. I love the way food feels and tastes going in me, and the energy it gives me throughout the entire day to connect to life in. 

My body no longer has dairy, fruits (except for bursting berries of mouth pleasure, lemons, and lychees), root veggies, sweeteners or most carbs. If you had told the high school energy drink’s laced in sour patch kids Ainsley what she would grow into she would have sprayed you with her specialty sour spray mix (it was marinaded in warheads).

If you meet me back then go ahead and say future me created an AIP cereal recipe on her little blog and watch me plotz all over you in excitement (I loved health even then, just didn’t think 3 energy drinks a day was bad if I still had spinach).

Now my throat burns at even the touch of soda but it smiles over organ meats and maca powder. The first time I tried maca powder there was no bitter, the ancient soul of my body knew it and I swear I heard my ancestors dancing and singing through my head. 

Maca Cereal MLM

It took many years to reach this point, and realizing more and more that I want every ingredient that enters me to benefit this mind. The idea of healthy was never gross to me. In fact, with those Monster energy drinks, or if I was feeling classic and cigar minded Red Bull, I would often still eat spinach at the dinner table. At first the stuff was gross, (as it is supposed to be as a bodily defense mechanism against poison) but eventually I favored it to most other foods. My body adapted and accepted every fiber of that green leaf. I also loved eggs, bacon, fruits in high abundance, cottage cheese, sauerkraut, and kale.

AIP Cereal MLM

Now I still eat eggs, bacon, berries, and have just added a much larger range of veggies to my taste bud reservoir.

All of the above words are meant to be encouragement for if you are looking at/wanting to change lifestyles, or have learned that you have to. Despite where you are in your food journey it is possible to change it and feel incredible while doing so, with amazing foods just waiting to be inside you.

Auto Immune Paleo (AIP) is an allergen free approach to the paleo diet and is used to cure chronic illnesses. The ones I care about are of the mind. To cure yourself of malfunctioning connections that lead to ADHD, depression, OCD, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, autism and all of the other mind illnesses there is ‘no cure’ for. All mental disorders actually can be seen, just in the brain, and most have nutrient deficiencies already scientifically linked to them.

Food was the only thing that cured them for me and the mental lack of control comes back every time I cheat.

It cuts out everything your body might be allergic to or is allergic to. This diet would make an incredible elimination diet if you’re looking to see what foods work for you. The elimination diet is a simple concept of cutting out the foods your body might not accept for a week and then bringing ingredients back into you one by one to see how you react. Easy concept but hard to do. Well welcome to AIP. Here is the list of what it cuts out though: From http://www.thepaleomom.com/autoimmunity/the-autoimmune-protocol

 This list is probably the most extensive one I’d ever seen of foods to cross out. Actually keto was probably just as extensive but I’m too used to it to remember now.

Luckily there is a great new flour that is AIP friendly and is splurging out all over the blogger world. Tiger Nut Flour is the newest flour to cross them all. It is actually a root vegetable and is perfect for the primal mind since our East African ancestors used them as a staple part of their diet according to a recent Oxford study. This post is long enough though so if you want to know more about the tiger nuts click here.

My favored thing about the tiger nut is that the nut is so sweet you don’t need to add any sweetener to your recipes. For added sweetness you can simply add more raspberries or blackberries to this delicious cereal. 

To Be Edited By Abbey

The Taste

This cereal is so delciious to the human taste buds that my very picky twin said it was ‘really good’. Yeah. We actually fist bumped after I squeed in delight and she smiled as she chewed it more. Abbey is basically the person that tells me I’ve gone too creative in a recipe. Oddly enough this recipe is among the most creative when it comes to ingredients.

I personally love the stroke of maca into the flavor and the crunch of the cereal is exactly like cinnamon toast crunch pieces. Oh I’ll have to make a cinnamon toast crunch version soon. That and Frosted Flakes used to be my favorite.

Inspired by The Primitive Pallet Hazelnut Mocha Cereal:

dsc_0537

Ingredients for Tigernut Flour Cereal

1/2 Cup Goldeen Flax Seed Meal

1/4 Cup Tigernut Flour (?)

1/4 Cup Hemp Seeds (?)

2 Tablespoons Maca Powder (?)

1 Tablespoon Ceylon Cinnamon (?)

1/2 Cup Full Fat Coconut Milk (Make your Own)

1/4 Tsp Vanilla

1 Tablespoon Coconut Oil (melted)

Best served with coconut milk <(^_^)>

AIP Cereal MLM

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 200 for a slow bake or 300 for a quickie…ish. (30 minutes baking vs 1 hr 20 minutes for longer bake. I prefer the long bake for consistent heating).
  2. Combine the dry ingredients into your food processor and pulse a few times.
  3. Add the wet ingredients: vanilla, melted coconut oil and coconut milk. Process until a dough forms, scraping down the sides when needed.
  4. Spread the batter out across a silipat baking sheet. The longer the dough sits the firmer it gets. I used coconut oil to spread it out evenly with no holes and as thins as you can get it.
  5. Bake for 1 hour and 20 minutes at 200 or bake at 300 for 15 minutes then drop the temp to 250 and bake another 15 minutes.
  6. Take cereal out of the oven and cut into bite size pieces. A pizza cutter works perfect. I used a sharp large knife because I don’t have a pizza cutter.
  7. If any of the pieces are still poofy and don’t automatically break with pressure, bake them again at five minute and keep on checking every five minutes after (you don’t want to burn them).
  8. Turn off the oven and put the pan back in for 1-1.5 hours for maximum crispiness.
  9. Let cool (takes about ten seconds of blowing right out of the oven) before eating.

Visual Tutorial

Pulse your dry ingredients together in a food processor. Add the wet ingredients and pulse until it turns into a batter, scraping down the sides once or twice. Spread the batter onto a silipat with as few holes as possible:

Spread the Batter

Use oil if it begins to stick to your hands:

Oil to cereal time

Bake at 200 for 1 hour and 30 minutes or at 350 for blank

Remove from oven and cut into shapes (a pizza cutter works wonders but I just used a sharp large knife.

Cut Cereal Shapes

Stick the cereal back in the oven and turn it off so they completely dry out. This takes about 1-1.5 hours.

Once dry make all of the pieces cereal size with your hands and then put them onto a board and bring them outside:

DSCN0755

Let Nodame sniff but not eat, she is not human:

Nodame

Maca Cereal MLM

Nutrition Breakdown per 3/4 Cup

Tigernut Cereal (6 Net Carbs Per Serving)

Calories: 222.2

Total Fat: 17.6 g

Potassium: 159 mg

Total Carb: 13.3 g

Dietary Fiber: 7.2 g

Sugars: 3.3 g

Protein: 6.5 g

DV: Vitamin C 3%, Vitamin B-6 5%, Vitamin E 2%, Calcium 5.2%, Copper: 15%, Folate 5%, Iron: 17.8%, Magnesium 25.5%, Manganese: 2%, Phosphorous: 13.3%, Riboflavin: 2%, Thiamin: 10%, Zing 12%

Hazelnut Cereal (Low Carb/4.2 Net Carbs Per Serving)

Calories: 237.2

Fat: 20.1 Saturated: 8.3 g, Poly 3.3 g, Mono: .5 g

Potassium: 106 mg

Total Carb: 9.5 g

Fiber: 5.3 g

Sugars: 1.6 g

Protein: 7.3 g

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Total Fat:3.5 g

Saturated Fat: 0.5 g

Sodium 210 mg

Total Carb 24 g

Vitamin A, C, and Calcium 10% DV, Iron: 25% DV

Slow Cooker Pumpkin Spice Ketchup : Paleo and Low Carb

At this point I fear everything in a can but coconut milk, and I’m just avoiding that thought. There’s even three coconut milk DIY recipes stored in my head, but the first recipe I attempted chugged up the coconut shreds to the top of the blender. I thought I messed up and just stored the concoction in my fridge to be resumed later.

Later turned to a week later and by then it was sour to the immediate realization of my nose upon opening the bottle. My defiant mouth tried anyway and spat it out. I recently learned it lasts for about three days and you’re supposed to strain out the shreds of coconut. With this confession you’ve been my priest and I can be cleansed of coconut sins. Thank you. I shall resume coconut milk making once the last three cans have been used.

When it comes to ketchup I not only fear the bottled Heinz version, but also fear the cans of paste required in most recipes. I’ve already made an heirloom marinara, can free, but I recently wondered if ketchup was possible too. If it just involved the same concept of simmering out the water then of course it was possible. Ketchup is like marinara but you replace the water with vinegar.

Then I found this fabulous recipe and grew very excited. I didn’t female hulk from the bliss, but there was definitely some magic beanstalks forming into lightbulbs. Slow cooker ketchup was already on the Internet and I didn’t have to guess my blissing way into failed attempts. Even more enticing:

This recipe could be so easily turned to fall with pumpkin spice!

What you really want in your mouth is that taste of vinegar fondling tomatoes for hours and hours. Then you reach ultimate tomato vinegar mating bliss ketchup. Cinnamon, allspice, cloves and nutmeg only enhance the earthy essence of tomatoes. All of these spices are packed with nutrients we need to build our immune systems and fight the Fall of sickness away. This ketchup makes amazing meatloaf (recently discovered) and can easily be used for parsnip chips or tofu french fries, avocado fries or mixed into guacamole. Just let your mind run free in ketchup possibility. 

If you run out of time in the day and want to fall asleep after a deep massage with a homemade massage bar, then you can pour the ketchup into a vessel, I used a cake pan, and resume the next morning.

There are several ways to make this mouthblissing ketchup depending on mouth and time desires.

In happy diet news you can serve this to any of your human friends as it is low carb, vegan, vegetarian, paleo, primal, atkins, whole 30, all natural, gluten free, sugar free, nutfree, and dairy free. Phew. Way too many diets to keep up with now. I like to just call it human friendly.

Warped

Ingredients for Slow Cooker Pumpkin Spice Ketchup:

1 TBS Pumpkin Spice

2 Pounds Tomatoes (about five cups)

3/4 Cup Apple Cider Vinegar/Vinegar of Choice

(I used bourbon Apple Cider Vinegar and Red Wine with Delicious Results)

or

1/4 Cup Water to 2/4 Cups Vinegar (if you don’t love that vinegar taste)

Dash Salt

1 Cinnamon Stick (optional)

1 Tbs Bourbon (optional)

For A Whole Spice Version:

2 Pounds Tomatoes

3/4 Cup Apple Cider Vinegar/Vinegar of Choice

or

1/4 Cup Water to 2/4 Cups Vinegar (if you don’t love that vinegar taste)

Dash Salt
2 Crushed Cinnamon Sticks
1/2 Tsp Cloves
1 Tsp Allspice
1 Crushed Nutmeg 

1 Tbs Bourbon (optional)

 
 
Directions:
 
 (If you have time to blend the tomatoes after one hour for spices to really seep in):
 
1. Chop up tomatoes and drop into your slow cooker with the salt.
2. Cook tomatoes on high for one hour and then immersion blend the tomatoes. This can splatter so either do this shirtless or wear an apron and use the Low setting.
or
Alternate 2. Skip immersion blending and just add all ingredients to the slow cooker and proceed to step 3.
3. Add the spices by putting all but the cinnamon and nutmeg into a nut bag or cheesecloth tied into a bag, and add them to the slow cooker.
4.  Cover with vinegar and make sure bag is covered by the tomatoes.
5. Add the cinnamon and nutmeg.
6.  Cook on low for 6-8 hours with the lid off.
 
7.  Remove spices and leave chunky or blend in batches for smoother ketchup.
Visual Tutorial:
Chop up the tomatoes.

Add tomatoes to the slow cooker with the dash of salt.
After one hour on high heat immersion blend the tomatoes.
Put the all spices, but for the cinnamon and nutmeg, into a nutbag or tied up cheesecloth.
Add the bag, then add the cinnamon and nutmeg.
Cook on low with the lid off for 6-8 hours.

Blend into ketchup or store as is after removing spices.
Alternate Directions:
 

 
 
(Just add all to the slow cooker and blend at the end)
 
 
 
1.  Chop up tomatoes and add to slow cooker.
2.  Coat with a tablespoon of pumpkin spice and dash of salt.
3.  After one hour: blend the tomatoes and add the cinnamon stick
or
Alternate 3.  Add the vinegar and cinnamon stick and cook on low for 6-8 hours with the lid off. (Skip the immersion blending)
4.  Unplug the slow cooker and let cool until no longer hot to the touch.
5.  Blend the mixture in batches for a less chunky version and store in the fridge.
Visual Tutorial
 
Add tomatoes to the slow cooker:

Add spices and after one hour immersion blend the tomatoes and add the cinnamon stick.

Store as is after slow cooking on low for 6-8 hours with the lid off or blend.

For Abbeast

Chocolate Frog Massage Bars

Finger Licking Melting Chocolate

Apparently Daniel Radcliffe is ‘finally’ going to branch out from Harry Potter. Nevermind the fact his tree has already cracked off several branches that he speared through his skin to the skull and crafted them into Horns. Oh you don’t know of his strip from Harry down to Alan Strange in my favorite play, Equus?

This man has made himself bare for us in the sake of horses and mental disorderment.

He has caught a snitch with such erupting laughter I see the memory like a vivid happiness right now. He conquered a dragon people. With another dragon. That’s cool no matter what realm you’re in.

Then to mention the fact he is from my favorite childhood novel while his doppelganger (they switch this role), was in my twin’s favorite novel. We decided she got to love Lord of the Rings while I got to have Harry Potter. We both are enamored by each other’s mythical worlds as well, but I’ve poured into the Harry Potter Books with only a pensieve and wand to get me out. She’s read all of J.R. Tolkien and seen every extended and behind the scenes moments of the movies. She also plans to build Hobbiton, had a Lord of the Rings Wedding:

LOTR Twin Collage

Then Went to New Zealand for the Honeymoon:

New Zealand Collage

,and has a tattoo in Elvish that says ‘Not all who wonder are lost’. All I’ve done is deeply contemplated writing fan fiction. Until now. Now I have the power of food. Pumpkin pasties and pumpkin juice will be on this page soon.

In dedication to the sheer wonders of this man I give you chocolate frog massage bars in a celebrational gesture of his merging personalities on the screen.

If you are living in the loving yourself single realm then I invite you to watch Equus clips on YouTube with one of these bars right next to you.

The chocolate bar will get you very messy so lick off immediately. I love deep messiness and deep chocolate so I’ll stick to it, but if you want a clear coat then go for the white chocolate frog. I promise though, once you go dark frog you never go back.

Now if you can handle chocolate without any sugar, like a full on human beast, then do not add sugar and have a completely warm and wet experience. The sugar adds an exfoliant depth to the bar.

Final Chocolate Massage Bars

Dark Chocolate Frog Massage Bar

1/2 Cup Cocoa Paste

1/2 Cup Coconut Oil

1/2 Cup Cocoa Powder

Dash Salt

1 Tsp Sweetener

(coconut sugar for paleo or erythitol for keto)

White Chocolate Massage Bar

1 Cup Cocoa Butter

1 Tablespoon Coconut Oil

1 Teaspoon of Sweetener

Dash of Salt

Directions forBoth Massage Bars

Totally Look Like Frogs

  1. Take a double broiler, or a saucepan with water in it and a bowl on top, (you do not want the water to touch the bowl, even at a simmer, as it will burn the chocolate).
  2. Bring the water to a simmer (do not let it boil) and let the cocoa paste melt. This can take about ten minutes so constantly watch and stir. Youtube and Instagram are acceptable distractions.
  3. Once the paste has melted stir in the sweetener and salt.
  4. Let the paste rest for about five minutes/until you can touch it without pain.
  5. Use your hands and mix the cocoa powder and coconut oil into the paste.
  6. Pour into silicone mold of some sort (I used a donut pan).

At this point you can store the bars in the fridge and use them in whatever shape they go cold in or take them out of the fridge once solid and let them come to room temperature. At this point you can mold them into shapes but do put them back in the fridge again as they will melt about 75 degrees.

The Beforehand (get it?????). The left side of the screen is the dark chocolate melted and the right is the white one.

Beforehand

I forgot to take an after but my hand was very clean on both sides.

Coffee Truffles

Coffee Truffles

Chocolate and coffee is one of those magical mystery rides that you want to burst out singing for, and even let the taste get stuck in your head for years.

There are 200,000,000 Googly results if you ask it about the two together. That antioxidant burst of nutrients also works for the mind and even goes into my favorite field of study (since I’m going into it 😉 ) the neurosciences. It stimulates everyone’s favorite hormone: dopamine. The pleasure hormone as it is commonly slanged. “Chocolate may be used by some as a form of self-medication for dietary deficiencies (eg, magnesium) or to balance low levels of neurotransmitters involved in the regulation of mood, food intake, and compulsive behaviors (eg, serotonin and dopamine)” (Bruinsma 1999). This study was used to determine if chocolate is just a food or if it could be a drug. I so desperately love and crave chocolate to be inside me that it’s obvious why a study would jump the idea. Lady time is associated with the craves though, and since we lose so much iron and magnesium it could explain the correlation found between the two by Bruinsma.

Since I’m all iron and magnesium deficient chocolate is daily put in my mouth.

The taste never fades in its harmony and earthy depths, but at times…all the time, I experiment with what flavors can enhance its bounty of taste. Almond butter and coffee is already among my top mouth loves, so why not add coffee to chocolate? All three hasn’t been done yet but as soon as my macadamia nuts arrive a new recipe is coming to your mouths.

Cold Brew Raw Truffles Mind Lifting Mouthgasms

Ingredients:

1/4 to 1/4 Cup Ratio of Cocoa Powder to Coconut Oil

Plus

1 Teaspoon Cocoa Powder (per teaspoon of extra liquid such as cold brew)

1 Teaspoon of Cold Brew Coffe

1/2 Teaspoon Coconut Sugar/Honey (paleo) or Erythitrol (keto

1/4 Teaspoon Vanilla

1/2 Teaspoon Cinnamon (optional)

Note: You could use regular coffee most likely but cold brew basically functions as coffee extract

To Make Cold Brew Coffee Latte Truffles:

Fold in a tablespoon of coconut cream or coconut milk

Directions:

  1. Combine all of the above ingredients with your hands. (If you are scared of your hands turn into a bird)
  2. Roll into truffles and coat with cocoa powder or more coconut sugar or both.
  3. Consume or store in the fridge.

P.s. You could also put these into any silicone mold and they’ll pop right out into mouth bliss as well.

Secondary p.s.: use an abrasive material to wash hands or thoroughly lick them.

Visual Tutorial

Chocolate Mold

Cold Brew Coffee Truffles

Deeply Chocolate Raspberry Macadamia Cups

Chocolate Drizzled Me

There’s a one to one ration that gives you a five minute quickie with mouth bursts of deep chocolate. Deadly darkened to only your desires with sweetness dripping from your fingers.

Coconut oil to chocolate. No melting required. Nothing needed but your hands and a combination of wet dripping oil and fluffy cocoa powder. Two on two melting together. Hard powders and oils to liquid mouthbliss. Then off to the fridge to become hard again.

You can take them back to room temperature, get your hands wet in oil, or not, and mold them all over again the moment you are wanting or lost in cravings. Then you can add raspberries, blueberries, cinnamon, snozberries, any mind desires.

I could really use some chocolate right now…or other things. Or both. A chocolate massage bar recipe is coming soonish.

So about these better than Reese’s mouthgasms. You basically take a 1 to 1 ratio of cocoa powder and coconut oil for some incredible deep chocolate. Some people can’t handle it going that deep though and need some practice. I added a half teaspoon of coconut sugar to my 1/4 cup to 1/4 cup ratio but you could also add erythitrol, go black and never come back, or even increase your sweetener.

The best part of this recipe is you can mold the cocoa and oil together and add just a bit of sweetener and increase it from there. You are in complete dominance of this chocolate. You could even take half of the batch with sweetener and the other half without sweetener and every day sample a bit of the darkness until you can go further into its depths.

Final Dark Chocolate Raspberry Macadamia Cups Mind Lifting Mouthgasms

The Taste

The advantage of getting into deeper and deeper chocolate is you get to taste and feel the maximum amount of pleasure chocolate has to offer. Earthy sensual notes that pair well with coconut sugar’s earthy flavors very well. If you layer that pleasure with macadamia butter then you’re just going to mouthgasm all over the place. The raspberries are optional but they add a bright crunch and fruity moment. Seriously though. Put these inside you.

Ingredients:

1/4 Cup Dark Cocoa

1/4 Cup Coconut Oil

6 T Macadamia Butter (or any nut butter…or jelly…or anything your mouth desires)

2-3 T Raspberry Pieces (chopped up frozen raspberries)

1/2 Teaspoon to Teaspoon Coconut Sugar (paleo) or erythitol (keto)

Silicone Cupcake Molds

Choco Cups Real

Directions:

  1. Mold the chocolate and oil together with your hands until they melt into chocolate.
  2. Mix the chocolate with raspberry pieces.
  3. Press the chocolate to the bottoms of your silicone molds and up the sides.
  4. Pour in your nut butter or mouthly desires.
  5. Refrigerate for 30 minutes.
  6. Cover the filling with chocolate.
  7. Refrigerate again for 30 minutes, or just eat them now.

Notes: The chocolate still stays solid at room temperature but does melt easily into your hands. It is still delicious but to keep the shape you will want to leave these in the molds or leave them in the fridge.

Visual Tutorial

   1.   Mold the cocoa and oil together

Chocolate Mold

2.   Mix in the raspberries

Raspberry Add In

99.   Imagine the rest

Raspberry Chocolate Macadamia Cups Mind Lifting Mouthgasms

Macros: Makes 6

With Erythitol:

Total Fat: 21.8g, Potassium: 59.5g, Total Carb: 4.6g, Dietary Fiber: 2.9g, Protein 1.7g

Net Carbs: 1.7 Per Cup

With Coconut Sugar

Total Carb: 5g, Net Carbs: 2.1

Kale Chip Chicken Nuggets

Zombie fingers 2

I‘ve now had dreams of chicken nuggets spurting out the silver waste of unicorn blood.

Once you start sleeping in a hammock your dreams become as vivid as reality and so little bites of chicken, even in imagination form, caused the feeling of killing my favored horseish creature. We’ve leaped through Erasure’s voice in Always and believed in Schmendrick together. I thought my mouth was banned from chicken nuggets for life to avoid mind trauma.

This all spurred from watching Cooties, a comedy you can’t deny your mind of. This movie was so aware of its audience that it flawlessly brings out your chuckles right before soaking them in gore. Gore has always been more personally enjoyed than suspense or ear shattering music to me. The usual horror tactics work very well and I wind up jumping or…kind of…growling at the screen.

Cooties drops the common horror act and replaces Daniel Radcliffe’s horns with Elijah Wood’s hobbit gone…actually he remains pretty hobbit like. Jack McBrayer is still the gayest stereotype we’ve grown more sick of than the sickness you feel from the baby that gets bitten in this movie.

Yeah. Try to prepare for that mind trip. I’m sure Jorge Garcia will even share his shrooms with you.

Along with What We Do in the Shadows and It Follows this movie reminds you that there is more to movies than Failing Four and Jurassic Jupiter (because Jupiter lied to us about being able to rely on it too). Hopefully Cooties is still in theaters when you see this, or available on Netflix, because this movie is worthy of blisstons of praise and even kale chip encrusted recipes.

I‘m a variety human so I baked half of the chicken and fried the other half. I also coated half of the chicken in crushed up Kale chips and the other half in pork rinds. What? I’m single. Let me have pleasure.

The kale chip crackings were the most mouth soaking but pork rind fried chicken will always have its place on my fried chicken.

 

Ingredients for Cootie Free Chicken Nuggets:

The Breasts of 3 Chickens Cut into Two Inch Chunks

Enough Pickle Juice to Fill a Bag with 3 Chicken Breasts in it

(Quality of pickle juice matters, I go for TJ’s crunchicons and just pour out enough of the juice out to fill the bag and then put the lid back on and store it in the fridge)

1-2 Cups of Avocado Oil (or any frying oil)

4 Oz of Kale/Pork Rinds

or

2 Oz of Kale Shreds (I used Bombay Curry)

2 Oz Pork Skins (go for softer pork rinds and discard and super hard bits)

Final Chicken Nuggets

Prep Directions for Both the Oven and The Frying:

  1. Take a plastic bag or any dish that can hold things and put the chicken breasts in it.
  2. Fill the container with pickle juice and let it sit in the fridge overnight. Then go sleep or watch Cooties.
  3. Do not rinse off the pickle juice. It makes the kale chips or pork rinds stick to the chicken.
  4. The next day savor what you have watched and cut up the chicken into 2 inch chunks (or leave as strips).

Coated

Pan/Cast Iron Frying Directions:

  1. Coat your chicken chunks or strips in kale chips or pork rinds or both by pressing it deeply into them.
  2. Coat the bottom of a pan with enough frying oil to cover half of a chicken chunk.
  3. Fry each side for two minutes and remove from oil.

Oven Directions

  1. Set the oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Let your oven reach 400 degrees (about the time of an ARAM).
  3. Either toss your chicken in oil now then coat with kale chips or pork rinds or both, or coat them and then put the chunks in a bowl and drizzle in oil.
  4. Lay the chunks on a wire rack and set over a baking pan, or over a cupcake pan because you didn’t feel like finding a baking pan.
  5. Bake for 4 minutes and then flip and bake for 4 more minutes.

Baked vs. Fried

(Fried on the bottom baked on the top)

Fried vs Baked

For Avocado Mayo:

Ingredients

1 Avocado

1/4 Cup EVOO (list of lying ones here) or Avocado Oi

1/2 Teaspoon of Salt

1/2 Teaspoon Pepper

1/2 of a Lemon’s Juice

Sriracha (optional)

Directions:

  1. Process ingredients together or smash them a lot with a fork.
  2. Drizzle in sriracha.

CHickeN nUggEtS

Macros:

Depends on what Kale chips you use but according to all but the vegans/vegetarians/calorie counters this is healthy.

cootie-free-chicken-nuggets 2