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Kombucha Brewing Guide

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I’m gifting a scoby to a coffee shop goddess I met over in Alpine. She makes a seductive London Fog and an espresso so worthy of mouth flavoring that Hermes would bring it to all the gods.

She also sold me this little espresso clay…thing…setup?

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So far I’ve only used it for whiskey shots.

She brought earthenly delights into my life so I had to return the deliciousness in my own way.

I get excited at the idea of people loving kombucha as much as I do, and asked if she’d ever tried it. She said no and so now I’m giving her a scoby to make her own.

I was going to write out all the instructions on a sheet of paper for her, but this way it won’t be lost and you Interneters can get my four months of wisdom too 😉

The Kombucha Basics:

 

Brew tea, add sugar, let it ferment for seven days.

Expanded:

What is Kombucha?

Kombucha is fermented tea. I’m sure you’ve had other fermented drinks 😉

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Kombucha is also amazing for your gut flora and since drinking it I feel brighter, more alert and my memory has improved.

Use Google for more information if you’re interested. It knows more than I do.

 

 

 

 

Sugars To Use:

Organic cane sugar is best since it feeds on it naturally. I’ve also had success with coconut sugar and love the earthy flavor to it, like molasses.

The sugar I use currently is this one.

Sugars To Avoid:

 

Xylitol (I almost killed my scoby with this one), Splenda, Erythitrol, Honey

I start the ferment with about two tablespoons of sugar and increase the amount each day. There’s debate on if this matters but I just enjoy doing so. I add about a 1/2 teaspoon more each day.

 

Water:

You want pure water in order to not harm the scoby. I use Icelandic Water. Hard water can hurt the scoby. Check the water in your area here

The Tea:

 

Ze Cocomilk Chai Pour MLM

The scoby does need caffeine in order to thrive. I am caffeine sensitive so I do an herbal blend of tea with 1/4 green tea added. Brewed separately. (Herbal needs boiling water while green needs a lower temp to not burn the leaves)

Since you’ll probably be making a gallon of tea it is best to use “too much” tea for the initial steep and then pour in plain water. This also speeds up waiting for the water to reach room temperature.

Here is an excellent tea brewing guide.

Go ahead and use the amount of tea needed for a gallon (or how much you want to brew) in your tea pot and then just add the water after.

I’ve heard tales that if you use green tea you can use honey as your sugar

 

Temperature:

 

Your scoby needs to be at 74-82 degrees in order to not overferment at high temperatures and in order to not die from cold temperatures.

I use a tiny heater set to one, about 1.5 feet away and that maintains a fairly good temp, but you need a thermometer to test it each day. You can also get heating pads that maintain temperatures for fermentation.

The Fermenting:

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  1. Acquire a scoby. I got mine here and it is strong. It even survived xylitol and me figuring out you can’t get the water too cold…or too hot.
  2. Brew your tea, add 1/4 cup sugar,  and let it come to room temperature (see notes on sugar tea above).
  3. Add about two cups of the last brew or find a neutral kombucha at a store to add. This is not necessary but will speed up the ferment.
  4. Cover the jar in a nut bag or paper town with a rubber band. I didn’t have a rubber band and just tied it.
  5. Store in a dark warm room for seven to ten days. Do not leave in direct sunlight.
  6. Drink each day so you can find out where your taste preference is between sweet and tart. I’m about to get these straws for ease.
  7. Bottle the kombucha so it stops steeping. You want to use dark bottles to keep the nutrient benefits alive.
  8. Second ferment with herbs for a few days in wine bottles or plastic, away from direct sun but still in a warm room. This can also make it bubbly, but that’s not as simple as it seems.

For the second ferment I love lavender, or cloves, or vanilla. There’s plenty of recipes online though and even in this epic book I just got on Amazon: Kombucha Revolution: 75 Recipes for Homemade Brews, Fixers, Elixirs, and Mixers

 

Enjoy your hours and all the liquids you put in them 😉

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Cocomilk (Coconut Milk) Recipe and Guide

Cocomilk Final

If you are looking for the freshest tasting coconut milk bliss then you have come to the right words. I’ve scoured the Internet cookbook, (basically food blogs) and realized there is a need for another coconut milk tutorial. When making a blog post I try to keep with ideas that are new and contribute to the world of food, rather than retell food stories that are already on the Internet or in books, and honestly there are a lot of coconut milk tutorials already all over the Internet’s pages.

 There are many cocomilk tutorials that get the basics down, but I have a few personal tips and tricks that will be valuable to your coconut milk making experience.

1.   Coconut Flake Size Matters

2.   Use Just Beneath Scalding Water (110 degrees is optimal)

3.   If You Use This Milk In Recipes Be Sure to Use the Cream

4. Vanilla Changes Everything

5.   Drink or Bake with Within Three to Four Days

6.  Use the Coconut Pulp

7.  Use a Wide Mouth Container for Storage

Raw Cocomilk

1.   The first tip is that the size of the coconut flakes matters. Obviously tiny shredded coconuts will be packed into a cup and have more coconut volume than large flakes, but I didn’t realize this until making coconut milk with the same ratio of large coconut flakes to small flakes. The result was a pretty watery milk that didn’t compare to the full on mouth bliss I’d come to know. My mouth already knew what full tasting coconut milk was, and thus could not be deceived by this coconut watery perpetrator of mouth lies.

Measuring the coconut out into grams would be an excellent way to get the right ratio for this milk, but I do not have a scale and I’m sure a lot of others don’t either. So cups it is (to be updated in the future with grams once I get a scale).

2.   You definitely want to use warm water when you make the milk because room temperature water causes the cream to stick to the edges of your blender. If you do use room temp water by accident then just use a plastic thingy to scrape out the coconut cream and add it to your cream or just eat it as is.

3.  When using this milk you really want the fullness of the flavor to come through.  The delicious fat of the milk solidifies to the top of your milk when it gets cold and forms a layer on the top. To get to the milk I just poke a hole through the cream, pour out the milk, and then add some of the cream.

4.   You can easily add other extracts, but vanilla harmonizes with coconut like a melody of a goddess.

5.   You will easily be able to smell when this milk goes sour, and it happens really quickly. This also means the flavor is incredibly fresh tasting if you consume it in time, and it will be hard not to anyways 😉

6.  I let my bag hang outside overnight and turn it into cocopulp crackers, or just use it for texture in fat bombs. There are tons of other uses for it though, such as the ones found in this word.

7.  I save up old containers and use them to store my coconut milk, apple cider or kombucha. The old Trader Joe’s jar is actually perfect for this. Use glass containers for warm liquids, but plastic is fine once they are room temperature or cold.

 

 

Ingredients:

Ingredients

1.5 – 2 Cups Shredded Unsweetened Coconut

or

3-3.5  Cups Large Flaked Unsweetened Coconut

4 Cups Barely Scalding Water/ 110 Degrees F (If boiling it could explode out of the blender)

Cheesecloth or Nut Milk Bag (I use this hemp one)

Raw Cocomilk 2

Directions:

  1. Combine your coconut and water in a high speed blender.
  2. Blend on high for a few minutes.
  3. Strain the milk through a nut milk bag (found here), or cheesecloth.
  4. If making more milk put the pulp back in your blender, add more coconut and repeat.
  5. Dry out your cocopulp by hanging the bag outside and either make coconut flour or use the pulp for texture.
  6. Drink within 3-4 days.

 

Expanded 7.

Use Me Bottles

In the fridge your coconut milk will separate and make a cream. You can whip this up for coconut whipped cream, or just add the cream into your morning warm cocomilk. (I do this a lot and just add a dash of vanilla for flavor).

Large Jar

If you use an old bottle with a short mouth the cocomilk winds up hardening and you have to either stab into the bottle with a long knife or heat up the bottle in water on the stove. I do this if I’ve run out of jars. 

Small Bottle

 

Happy cocomilking.

When finished put on fuzzy socks and go take pictures of your epicness outside.

Fuzzy

Faster by the Dozen: Baked Eggs

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Baked eggs have a special little spot in my fridge that constantly gets refilled.

 Admittedly that spot changes all of the time because I share the fridge with three other people so items move as fast as the Jews. I am one by blood so I can mock this.

Every time I feel lacking in nutrients or a deep hunger craving hits I can just take one out, salt it/paprika it and then pop it right inside me. They also can be blissfucked into an egg salad or stuffed into a raw avocado. They’re especially great when you get tipsy and all food, even Taco Bell food, suddenly seems appealing.

Those mind barriers dropping. I swear I could help ADHD drop those horrid procrastinating fears by convincing society to let us be drunk all the time. I’ll even swear on dark raspberry chocolate laced in broccoli (cuz who cares if that dies?)

Eating a baked egg gives you one of those life moments where you have to remember back to your past self and shake your head with little glares. How have I not been baking a dozen perfect eggs into my mouth for so many years (or minutes depending on your age of course…what? We have baby robots by now somewhere)?

Admittedly I’ve still had the white stick to the shell in about a 15thish of the eggs I’ve peeled. Those moments are still far more rare than my boiling egg days.

What will truly have you leaving boiling eggs to the friend zone is that baking eggs is far less timely and you are brought to full completion far more often. I mean the eggs are. 

Eggs are that food everyone agrees is healthy, almost. It is closer than the agreement about all other foods so let’s just count it.

It turns out the yolks actually have the most nutrients though, so please don’t just eat the whites. If you are that odd then please send me the yolks and I’ll send some calorie free water to you in compensation.

Baked Eggs Necessities:

A Cupcake/Muffin Pan

Eggs (I trust Happy Egg Co and my farmer’s market for delicious mouth and mind eggs)

An Oven

For the Love of Baked Eggs:

  1. Turn your oven to 320 degrees
  2. Wait for your oven to reach 320 degrees
  3. Put your eggs into a cupcake or muffin tin (however many you want) and put them into the oven.
  4. TinsGo play an ARAM for 30 minutes, or read a book. (Let the eggs bake for 30 minutes, but at 26 minutes prepare an ice bath)
  5. Take eggs out of the oven and use tongs
  6. Tongsto immediately put the eggs into an ice bath. Turn them into a painting at this point.
  7. Ice bathWait until cool enough to handle and transfer to fridge. You can peel them now and store but I like to keep them in the shell for self pleasure and it makes me feel like they last longer.

How to: Travel like a Healthy Human

I‘ve now been on a real food low carb eating lifestyle for two years now (mostly). My body and mind now know what it feels like to cheat and react with sickening stomach quakes or mental ick fields of muddled connections. I’m on these lifestyles to combat mental illnesses that I’ve struggled with ever since I was twelve and downed three energy drinks laced with sour patch kids every day. When that high no longer got me going I dipped sugar cubes into icing.

Maybe I’m preset to get those illnesses or maybe they’re from those mind altering chemicals.

I had the energy drinks/various sugar highs when my brain was developing, and maybe it developed with them to the point it glitched. The ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts all leave when I go at least three days without cheating, and I continue to not connect to those mental disorders as long as I don’t cheat.

I mostly stick to my diet when on vacation through my traveling fat bombs or just by finding my own foods.

At a cafe I got an omelette and my twin got french toast with peanut butter bacon and bananas.

vy0apj8

Yesterday I cheated because there were caramels coated in chocolate with salt dredgings.

I love those things. Despite my mind saying those things will hurt my body didn’t listen. My mind gave in to just one. Then two and then three. Then I drank some Kahlua white russian with a side of wine.

This pain seared right behind my ears. This used to happen all the time before I went on keto/paleo and if I don’t cheat it goes away. I’ve linked it to being too much sugar and especially too much wine. My twin, Abbey, still deals with the pain, in the same spot, on occasion.

My OCD tinkered last night and I could not stop arranging the cars in our Magic game to line up with the tiles on the table. I couldn’t untrap those connections. I could not connect away/think of anything else but making the lines on the cards line up with the other lines. Consuming consumption. I was even aware of what was happening and was unable to control it.

This morning I was still pretty trapped and had to find a way to release that entrapment of connections.

I have an identical twin that still struggles with all of these things and continues to eat grains and processed foods. Grr.

This morning I just wanted to feel sane and in control again. I resorted to an offbeat of my dandelion greens salad. 

For Uplifting Mind Tingles
For Uplifting Mind Tingles

For the Salad:

Dandelion Greens

Lemon

Cucumber (optional)

Salt

Pepper

Very Dark Chocolate

Directions:

Turn into salad. Yes eat the peel and pulp, ultimate mind tingles.

Another item that really helps prevent cheating is a liquid carrier. This bottle is my bliss.

I go on no physical ventures without this dripping beauty wetting my sprog and body. Ever since I drank from the crisp inner wells the desire has never left and never has that taste faltered no matter what goes in it.

S'Well

 I generally do water with extracts (guide to come) or tea or coffee. All without sugar.

Random Professional Human Tips:

  1. Carry around a bottle of oil (coconut, various). If coconut pour add to coffee, others add to salads or whatever your mind body desires.
  2. Bring mind food for road trips: kale, spinach, chard, green things.
  3. Drink a ton of water.
  4. Bring extracts.
  5. Bring tobacco if you like it.
  6. Learn drinks you can have at any bar. I do a gin and soda water with lime.