Tag Archives: mayo

Kale Chip Chicken Nuggets

Zombie fingers 2

I‘ve now had dreams of chicken nuggets spurting out the silver waste of unicorn blood.

Once you start sleeping in a hammock your dreams become as vivid as reality and so little bites of chicken, even in imagination form, caused the feeling of killing my favored horseish creature. We’ve leaped through Erasure’s voice in Always and believed in Schmendrick together. I thought my mouth was banned from chicken nuggets for life to avoid mind trauma.

This all spurred from watching Cooties, a comedy you can’t deny your mind of. This movie was so aware of its audience that it flawlessly brings out your chuckles right before soaking them in gore. Gore has always been more personally enjoyed than suspense or ear shattering music to me. The usual horror tactics work very well and I wind up jumping or…kind of…growling at the screen.

Cooties drops the common horror act and replaces Daniel Radcliffe’s horns with Elijah Wood’s hobbit gone…actually he remains pretty hobbit like. Jack McBrayer is still the gayest stereotype we’ve grown more sick of than the sickness you feel from the baby that gets bitten in this movie.

Yeah. Try to prepare for that mind trip. I’m sure Jorge Garcia will even share his shrooms with you.

Along with What We Do in the Shadows and It Follows this movie reminds you that there is more to movies than Failing Four and Jurassic Jupiter (because Jupiter lied to us about being able to rely on it too). Hopefully Cooties is still in theaters when you see this, or available on Netflix, because this movie is worthy of blisstons of praise and even kale chip encrusted recipes.

I‘m a variety human so I baked half of the chicken and fried the other half. I also coated half of the chicken in crushed up Kale chips and the other half in pork rinds. What? I’m single. Let me have pleasure.

The kale chip crackings were the most mouth soaking but pork rind fried chicken will always have its place on my fried chicken.


Ingredients for Cootie Free Chicken Nuggets:

The Breasts of 3 Chickens Cut into Two Inch Chunks

Enough Pickle Juice to Fill a Bag with 3 Chicken Breasts in it

(Quality of pickle juice matters, I go for TJ’s crunchicons and just pour out enough of the juice out to fill the bag and then put the lid back on and store it in the fridge)

1-2 Cups of Avocado Oil (or any frying oil)

4 Oz of Kale/Pork Rinds


2 Oz of Kale Shreds (I used Bombay Curry)

2 Oz Pork Skins (go for softer pork rinds and discard and super hard bits)

Final Chicken Nuggets

Prep Directions for Both the Oven and The Frying:

  1. Take a plastic bag or any dish that can hold things and put the chicken breasts in it.
  2. Fill the container with pickle juice and let it sit in the fridge overnight. Then go sleep or watch Cooties.
  3. Do not rinse off the pickle juice. It makes the kale chips or pork rinds stick to the chicken.
  4. The next day savor what you have watched and cut up the chicken into 2 inch chunks (or leave as strips).


Pan/Cast Iron Frying Directions:

  1. Coat your chicken chunks or strips in kale chips or pork rinds or both by pressing it deeply into them.
  2. Coat the bottom of a pan with enough frying oil to cover half of a chicken chunk.
  3. Fry each side for two minutes and remove from oil.

Oven Directions

  1. Set the oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Let your oven reach 400 degrees (about the time of an ARAM).
  3. Either toss your chicken in oil now then coat with kale chips or pork rinds or both, or coat them and then put the chunks in a bowl and drizzle in oil.
  4. Lay the chunks on a wire rack and set over a baking pan, or over a cupcake pan because you didn’t feel like finding a baking pan.
  5. Bake for 4 minutes and then flip and bake for 4 more minutes.

Baked vs. Fried

(Fried on the bottom baked on the top)

Fried vs Baked

For Avocado Mayo:


1 Avocado

1/4 Cup EVOO (list of lying ones here) or Avocado Oi

1/2 Teaspoon of Salt

1/2 Teaspoon Pepper

1/2 of a Lemon’s Juice

Sriracha (optional)


  1. Process ingredients together or smash them a lot with a fork.
  2. Drizzle in sriracha.

CHickeN nUggEtS


Depends on what Kale chips you use but according to all but the vegans/vegetarians/calorie counters this is healthy.

cootie-free-chicken-nuggets 2


Flower Raised Mayo

All you will need for happiness is an egg, oil and half the juice of a lemon or lime.

It is time to embrace fats. Do not glower at them with the knowledge the world flucked your mind up with. Remember back to when butter was on everything and bacon came with breakfast. Those moments gasm in your mouth because your body is telling them to you. Your body wants it. People on those silly low fat diets give up or hate life because their body is never full. Well that is what is supposed to happen.Your body isn’t full without fats. Our bodies are meant to talk to us and we are meant to listen.

A while ago we stopped listening to our bodies and instead learned to yell at them. We didn’t want to be hungry because that just meant we’d get fat. At least, that happened to me. I didn’t actually develop any eating disorder but that’s probably because I exercised all the time and did 100 jumping jacks if I gained any weight.

Now I finally have a wonderful relationship with food.

My body creates incredible tastes and I’m full all of the time. Food never controls me but in ways we both delight in. It comes into me and my body opens right up. My mind feels more blissed out and in control than it ever has before.

Even when hungry it is not ravenous. I can think of other things and can even forget about the hunger. As a 110 pound person that was not always the case. Before keto/paleo I would become hungry and then snap and bite at life. People were icky and every motion that wasn’t towards food was useless. Anger also arose and I just lost control. My body needed the food. Now it is satisfied with what I give it. Our relationship no longer needs therapy.

If you are ready to embrace fats then it is probably time for a delicious and fatty sauce. Mayonnaise. Sauces will be your new best friend. Go ahead and update your Myspace, Ha. Like you have that anymore

First of all you will need to acquire one egg. A chicken might just grant your wish. Please get the organic happy ones because the taste really comes out. You can test it. I tested on a highly skeptical friend that called bs and his mind mouth opened right up to my ways. The regular ones just taste either like nothing or plastic. They lack the nutrients to create a flavor.

You will also need a cup of lightly flavored oil. A strong one will work but the taste will overwhelm you. Don’t worry. You will train your brain in time. I chose the lemon olive one from Trader Joe’s and it is scrumtiousgasming.

Finally you will need the juice of half a lime or lemon. Mostly you will need an immersion blender. This is not a purchase you will regret my dears and if you do I welcome complaints.

First search for a container that barely fits the head of your immersion blender. A glass jar generally works. I, personally, could not find a container big enough to fit the head. I accidentally got a big one. I then used my French press to fit it.

Go ahead and lay out all of your ingredients on a cutting board outside:

Mayo Ingredients
Mayo Ingredients

Then, bring them back inside and crack your egg into the container. Realize that you need to take the French Press back outside for another photo. Then squeeze out the juice of half a lime or lemon. Now this squeezing thing. Called. Something. I think just lemon squeezer. Is also incredibly useful. It squeezes the juice and keeps the seeds. What more could one desire?

Don't worry about the dirty boards. No one will notice.
Don’t worry about the dirty boards. No one will notice.

Then you’ll  go back inside and pour in the oil.
Mayo Ingredients Ready To Whirl Captain

Let the egg droop down to the bottom and then stick the head of your immersion blender in. Plug it in first. Then press the blade spinning button and let it sit there for twenty seconds without moving it. Don’t worry. It is working away down there.
Getting Creamy Mam

Your mayo will begin to form into a delicious white.

Getting Creamy Mam

Finally you will have mayo.

Pour into a glass jar or Martini glass to serve.

Flower Raised Mayo
Clean out your immersion blender right away.

Electric Ingredients:

Immersion Blender

Glass Ingredients:


Food Ingredients:

One egg

One cup of a lightly flavored oil

1/2 the juice of a lime or lemon

Flowers to raise it all with


Put food ingredients into glass ingredient. Let the egg droop to the bottom. Stick head of immersion blender into jar and let it immerse for twenty seconds. Move up and down to fully form mayo.

Pour into margini glass and dip daikon radish fries in.

It’s deliciously whipped fat. Add whatever else your mouth desires.Many humans use garlic.

Macros: Total Fat 8.6 g, Total Carb: 1g, Protein: .3g