Tag Archives: mouthgasm

Slow Cooker Pumpkin Spice Ketchup : Paleo and Low Carb

At this point I fear everything in a can but coconut milk, and I’m just avoiding that thought. There’s even three coconut milk DIY recipes stored in my head, but the first recipe I attempted chugged up the coconut shreds to the top of the blender. I thought I messed up and just stored the concoction in my fridge to be resumed later.

Later turned to a week later and by then it was sour to the immediate realization of my nose upon opening the bottle. My defiant mouth tried anyway and spat it out. I recently learned it lasts for about three days and you’re supposed to strain out the shreds of coconut. With this confession you’ve been my priest and I can be cleansed of coconut sins. Thank you. I shall resume coconut milk making once the last three cans have been used.

When it comes to ketchup I not only fear the bottled Heinz version, but also fear the cans of paste required in most recipes. I’ve already made an heirloom marinara, can free, but I recently wondered if ketchup was possible too. If it just involved the same concept of simmering out the water then of course it was possible. Ketchup is like marinara but you replace the water with vinegar.

Then I found this fabulous recipe and grew very excited. I didn’t female hulk from the bliss, but there was definitely some magic beanstalks forming into lightbulbs. Slow cooker ketchup was already on the Internet and I didn’t have to guess my blissing way into failed attempts. Even more enticing:

This recipe could be so easily turned to fall with pumpkin spice!

What you really want in your mouth is that taste of vinegar fondling tomatoes for hours and hours. Then you reach ultimate tomato vinegar mating bliss ketchup. Cinnamon, allspice, cloves and nutmeg only enhance the earthy essence of tomatoes. All of these spices are packed with nutrients we need to build our immune systems and fight the Fall of sickness away. This ketchup makes amazing meatloaf (recently discovered) and can easily be used for parsnip chips or tofu french fries, avocado fries or mixed into guacamole. Just let your mind run free in ketchup possibility. 

If you run out of time in the day and want to fall asleep after a deep massage with a homemade massage bar, then you can pour the ketchup into a vessel, I used a cake pan, and resume the next morning.

There are several ways to make this mouthblissing ketchup depending on mouth and time desires.

In happy diet news you can serve this to any of your human friends as it is low carb, vegan, vegetarian, paleo, primal, atkins, whole 30, all natural, gluten free, sugar free, nutfree, and dairy free. Phew. Way too many diets to keep up with now. I like to just call it human friendly.

Warped

Ingredients for Slow Cooker Pumpkin Spice Ketchup:

1 TBS Pumpkin Spice

2 Pounds Tomatoes (about five cups)

3/4 Cup Apple Cider Vinegar/Vinegar of Choice

(I used bourbon Apple Cider Vinegar and Red Wine with Delicious Results)

or

1/4 Cup Water to 2/4 Cups Vinegar (if you don’t love that vinegar taste)

Dash Salt

1 Cinnamon Stick (optional)

1 Tbs Bourbon (optional)

For A Whole Spice Version:

2 Pounds Tomatoes

3/4 Cup Apple Cider Vinegar/Vinegar of Choice

or

1/4 Cup Water to 2/4 Cups Vinegar (if you don’t love that vinegar taste)

Dash Salt
2 Crushed Cinnamon Sticks
1/2 Tsp Cloves
1 Tsp Allspice
1 Crushed Nutmeg 

1 Tbs Bourbon (optional)

 
 
Directions:
 
 (If you have time to blend the tomatoes after one hour for spices to really seep in):
 
1. Chop up tomatoes and drop into your slow cooker with the salt.
2. Cook tomatoes on high for one hour and then immersion blend the tomatoes. This can splatter so either do this shirtless or wear an apron and use the Low setting.
or
Alternate 2. Skip immersion blending and just add all ingredients to the slow cooker and proceed to step 3.
3. Add the spices by putting all but the cinnamon and nutmeg into a nut bag or cheesecloth tied into a bag, and add them to the slow cooker.
4.  Cover with vinegar and make sure bag is covered by the tomatoes.
5. Add the cinnamon and nutmeg.
6.  Cook on low for 6-8 hours with the lid off.
 
7.  Remove spices and leave chunky or blend in batches for smoother ketchup.
Visual Tutorial:
Chop up the tomatoes.

Add tomatoes to the slow cooker with the dash of salt.
After one hour on high heat immersion blend the tomatoes.
Put the all spices, but for the cinnamon and nutmeg, into a nutbag or tied up cheesecloth.
Add the bag, then add the cinnamon and nutmeg.
Cook on low with the lid off for 6-8 hours.

Blend into ketchup or store as is after removing spices.
Alternate Directions:
 

 
 
(Just add all to the slow cooker and blend at the end)
 
 
 
1.  Chop up tomatoes and add to slow cooker.
2.  Coat with a tablespoon of pumpkin spice and dash of salt.
3.  After one hour: blend the tomatoes and add the cinnamon stick
or
Alternate 3.  Add the vinegar and cinnamon stick and cook on low for 6-8 hours with the lid off. (Skip the immersion blending)
4.  Unplug the slow cooker and let cool until no longer hot to the touch.
5.  Blend the mixture in batches for a less chunky version and store in the fridge.
Visual Tutorial
 
Add tomatoes to the slow cooker:

Add spices and after one hour immersion blend the tomatoes and add the cinnamon stick.

Store as is after slow cooking on low for 6-8 hours with the lid off or blend.

For Abbeast

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Chocolate Frog Massage Bars

Finger Licking Melting Chocolate

Apparently Daniel Radcliffe is ‘finally’ going to branch out from Harry Potter. Nevermind the fact his tree has already cracked off several branches that he speared through his skin to the skull and crafted them into Horns. Oh you don’t know of his strip from Harry down to Alan Strange in my favorite play, Equus?

This man has made himself bare for us in the sake of horses and mental disorderment.

He has caught a snitch with such erupting laughter I see the memory like a vivid happiness right now. He conquered a dragon people. With another dragon. That’s cool no matter what realm you’re in.

Then to mention the fact he is from my favorite childhood novel while his doppelganger (they switch this role), was in my twin’s favorite novel. We decided she got to love Lord of the Rings while I got to have Harry Potter. We both are enamored by each other’s mythical worlds as well, but I’ve poured into the Harry Potter Books with only a pensieve and wand to get me out. She’s read all of J.R. Tolkien and seen every extended and behind the scenes moments of the movies. She also plans to build Hobbiton, had a Lord of the Rings Wedding:

LOTR Twin Collage

Then Went to New Zealand for the Honeymoon:

New Zealand Collage

,and has a tattoo in Elvish that says ‘Not all who wonder are lost’. All I’ve done is deeply contemplated writing fan fiction. Until now. Now I have the power of food. Pumpkin pasties and pumpkin juice will be on this page soon.

In dedication to the sheer wonders of this man I give you chocolate frog massage bars in a celebrational gesture of his merging personalities on the screen.

If you are living in the loving yourself single realm then I invite you to watch Equus clips on YouTube with one of these bars right next to you.

The chocolate bar will get you very messy so lick off immediately. I love deep messiness and deep chocolate so I’ll stick to it, but if you want a clear coat then go for the white chocolate frog. I promise though, once you go dark frog you never go back.

Now if you can handle chocolate without any sugar, like a full on human beast, then do not add sugar and have a completely warm and wet experience. The sugar adds an exfoliant depth to the bar.

Final Chocolate Massage Bars

Dark Chocolate Frog Massage Bar

1/2 Cup Cocoa Paste

1/2 Cup Coconut Oil

1/2 Cup Cocoa Powder

Dash Salt

1 Tsp Sweetener

(coconut sugar for paleo or erythitol for keto)

White Chocolate Massage Bar

1 Cup Cocoa Butter

1 Tablespoon Coconut Oil

1 Teaspoon of Sweetener

Dash of Salt

Directions forBoth Massage Bars

Totally Look Like Frogs

  1. Take a double broiler, or a saucepan with water in it and a bowl on top, (you do not want the water to touch the bowl, even at a simmer, as it will burn the chocolate).
  2. Bring the water to a simmer (do not let it boil) and let the cocoa paste melt. This can take about ten minutes so constantly watch and stir. Youtube and Instagram are acceptable distractions.
  3. Once the paste has melted stir in the sweetener and salt.
  4. Let the paste rest for about five minutes/until you can touch it without pain.
  5. Use your hands and mix the cocoa powder and coconut oil into the paste.
  6. Pour into silicone mold of some sort (I used a donut pan).

At this point you can store the bars in the fridge and use them in whatever shape they go cold in or take them out of the fridge once solid and let them come to room temperature. At this point you can mold them into shapes but do put them back in the fridge again as they will melt about 75 degrees.

The Beforehand (get it?????). The left side of the screen is the dark chocolate melted and the right is the white one.

Beforehand

I forgot to take an after but my hand was very clean on both sides.

Coffee Truffles

Coffee Truffles

Chocolate and coffee is one of those magical mystery rides that you want to burst out singing for, and even let the taste get stuck in your head for years.

There are 200,000,000 Googly results if you ask it about the two together. That antioxidant burst of nutrients also works for the mind and even goes into my favorite field of study (since I’m going into it 😉 ) the neurosciences. It stimulates everyone’s favorite hormone: dopamine. The pleasure hormone as it is commonly slanged. “Chocolate may be used by some as a form of self-medication for dietary deficiencies (eg, magnesium) or to balance low levels of neurotransmitters involved in the regulation of mood, food intake, and compulsive behaviors (eg, serotonin and dopamine)” (Bruinsma 1999). This study was used to determine if chocolate is just a food or if it could be a drug. I so desperately love and crave chocolate to be inside me that it’s obvious why a study would jump the idea. Lady time is associated with the craves though, and since we lose so much iron and magnesium it could explain the correlation found between the two by Bruinsma.

Since I’m all iron and magnesium deficient chocolate is daily put in my mouth.

The taste never fades in its harmony and earthy depths, but at times…all the time, I experiment with what flavors can enhance its bounty of taste. Almond butter and coffee is already among my top mouth loves, so why not add coffee to chocolate? All three hasn’t been done yet but as soon as my macadamia nuts arrive a new recipe is coming to your mouths.

Cold Brew Raw Truffles Mind Lifting Mouthgasms

Ingredients:

1/4 to 1/4 Cup Ratio of Cocoa Powder to Coconut Oil

Plus

1 Teaspoon Cocoa Powder (per teaspoon of extra liquid such as cold brew)

1 Teaspoon of Cold Brew Coffe

1/2 Teaspoon Coconut Sugar/Honey (paleo) or Erythitrol (keto

1/4 Teaspoon Vanilla

1/2 Teaspoon Cinnamon (optional)

Note: You could use regular coffee most likely but cold brew basically functions as coffee extract

To Make Cold Brew Coffee Latte Truffles:

Fold in a tablespoon of coconut cream or coconut milk

Directions:

  1. Combine all of the above ingredients with your hands. (If you are scared of your hands turn into a bird)
  2. Roll into truffles and coat with cocoa powder or more coconut sugar or both.
  3. Consume or store in the fridge.

P.s. You could also put these into any silicone mold and they’ll pop right out into mouth bliss as well.

Secondary p.s.: use an abrasive material to wash hands or thoroughly lick them.

Visual Tutorial

Chocolate Mold

Cold Brew Coffee Truffles

Kale Chip Chicken Nuggets

Zombie fingers 2

I‘ve now had dreams of chicken nuggets spurting out the silver waste of unicorn blood.

Once you start sleeping in a hammock your dreams become as vivid as reality and so little bites of chicken, even in imagination form, caused the feeling of killing my favored horseish creature. We’ve leaped through Erasure’s voice in Always and believed in Schmendrick together. I thought my mouth was banned from chicken nuggets for life to avoid mind trauma.

This all spurred from watching Cooties, a comedy you can’t deny your mind of. This movie was so aware of its audience that it flawlessly brings out your chuckles right before soaking them in gore. Gore has always been more personally enjoyed than suspense or ear shattering music to me. The usual horror tactics work very well and I wind up jumping or…kind of…growling at the screen.

Cooties drops the common horror act and replaces Daniel Radcliffe’s horns with Elijah Wood’s hobbit gone…actually he remains pretty hobbit like. Jack McBrayer is still the gayest stereotype we’ve grown more sick of than the sickness you feel from the baby that gets bitten in this movie.

Yeah. Try to prepare for that mind trip. I’m sure Jorge Garcia will even share his shrooms with you.

Along with What We Do in the Shadows and It Follows this movie reminds you that there is more to movies than Failing Four and Jurassic Jupiter (because Jupiter lied to us about being able to rely on it too). Hopefully Cooties is still in theaters when you see this, or available on Netflix, because this movie is worthy of blisstons of praise and even kale chip encrusted recipes.

I‘m a variety human so I baked half of the chicken and fried the other half. I also coated half of the chicken in crushed up Kale chips and the other half in pork rinds. What? I’m single. Let me have pleasure.

The kale chip crackings were the most mouth soaking but pork rind fried chicken will always have its place on my fried chicken.

 

Ingredients for Cootie Free Chicken Nuggets:

The Breasts of 3 Chickens Cut into Two Inch Chunks

Enough Pickle Juice to Fill a Bag with 3 Chicken Breasts in it

(Quality of pickle juice matters, I go for TJ’s crunchicons and just pour out enough of the juice out to fill the bag and then put the lid back on and store it in the fridge)

1-2 Cups of Avocado Oil (or any frying oil)

4 Oz of Kale/Pork Rinds

or

2 Oz of Kale Shreds (I used Bombay Curry)

2 Oz Pork Skins (go for softer pork rinds and discard and super hard bits)

Final Chicken Nuggets

Prep Directions for Both the Oven and The Frying:

  1. Take a plastic bag or any dish that can hold things and put the chicken breasts in it.
  2. Fill the container with pickle juice and let it sit in the fridge overnight. Then go sleep or watch Cooties.
  3. Do not rinse off the pickle juice. It makes the kale chips or pork rinds stick to the chicken.
  4. The next day savor what you have watched and cut up the chicken into 2 inch chunks (or leave as strips).

Coated

Pan/Cast Iron Frying Directions:

  1. Coat your chicken chunks or strips in kale chips or pork rinds or both by pressing it deeply into them.
  2. Coat the bottom of a pan with enough frying oil to cover half of a chicken chunk.
  3. Fry each side for two minutes and remove from oil.

Oven Directions

  1. Set the oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Let your oven reach 400 degrees (about the time of an ARAM).
  3. Either toss your chicken in oil now then coat with kale chips or pork rinds or both, or coat them and then put the chunks in a bowl and drizzle in oil.
  4. Lay the chunks on a wire rack and set over a baking pan, or over a cupcake pan because you didn’t feel like finding a baking pan.
  5. Bake for 4 minutes and then flip and bake for 4 more minutes.

Baked vs. Fried

(Fried on the bottom baked on the top)

Fried vs Baked

For Avocado Mayo:

Ingredients

1 Avocado

1/4 Cup EVOO (list of lying ones here) or Avocado Oi

1/2 Teaspoon of Salt

1/2 Teaspoon Pepper

1/2 of a Lemon’s Juice

Sriracha (optional)

Directions:

  1. Process ingredients together or smash them a lot with a fork.
  2. Drizzle in sriracha.

CHickeN nUggEtS

Macros:

Depends on what Kale chips you use but according to all but the vegans/vegetarians/calorie counters this is healthy.

cootie-free-chicken-nuggets 2

Whipped Coconut Cream and Berries Hardened by Granola

Whipped Two

If you have leftover coconut whipped cream from the hangover smoothie I have the words on what to do with it. 

I suddenly have become aware of all the words I’m using. Has it become too many?

I haven’t actually experimented with any aspect of what this whipped coconut cream can do in comparison to cow whipped cream, or goat whipped cream (Mmmmm *suddenly mind soaked*), but I have topped it with berries and granola now. You deserve this in your mouth, and I couldn’t just let you leave that cream in the fridge. Cream is meant to be on your lips or inside you. 

Whipped Coconut Cream and Berries Hardened by Granola

Whipped Coconut Crea

Raspberries (or any other berry)

Granola Crumbles from All Day I Dream About Food  Cherry Granola Bars 

(I did mint instead of cherries and it was delicious)

(or any low carb or paleo granola you desire)

Optionally Added: Hemp Seeds, Chia Seeds, Cocoa Powder, Erythitrol (for keto),Coconut Sugar (for Paleo)

Directions:

  1. Let the coconut cream get warm. If you’ve left it in the fridge it needs some calming down time, as my mouth discovered.
  2. Top with berries and granola bits. The frozen ones defrost very quickly and it allows you to get incredible berries even if you live in the Lubbock desert. I use Cascadian Farms sometimes. I found a better brand but I’m not at home and Google didn’t find it.
  3. Add whatever else your mouth desires.

Whipped Coconut

Ish Macros (high variance and not counting granola) Total Carbs: 4.4, Net Carbs: 3.6, Fat: 14.1g, Protein: 1g

Kiwi Chia Jam

The kiwi is a high fiber fruit. It even comes into your mouth at only 8 carbs per whole fruit. If you are staying under 20 that is a lot, I understand. It is a mere 1.2 net carbs per tablespoon though. If you are in maintenance or just doing the paleo game then welcome to my mouthgasms.

Every time I search what is healthy about a fruit or veggie the top search is always ‘ Item you Searched: Healthiest Food in the World” .  

Le sigh. Almost everything on this earth probably has some nutrition in it. The main issue is whether or not the human body can actually utilize those nutrients. This is why bread and grains just don’t go inside of us. They have tons of nutrition in various ways I’m sure, but we can’t absorb most of them. Also those FODMAPS are not human friendly.

If you have some time later please research this and come tell me what you find. The food our bodies absorb most tend to be vegetables, meats, and fruits. Dairy is a debate, nuts need to be soaked and grains got corrupted but seem to have once worked. Honestly it is a mind scourgy of caring and keeping up with it all. The thing is I feel so blissed out body and mind wise all day. The control I feel is barely believed due to the years I spent feeling out of control of my own mind and exercising the moment I saw any tummy fat.

The main thing you can do though is start to make things for yourself. That way you know exactly what is in it. 

The jams you get at stores tend to have preservatives and are hugged deeply by sugar. I actually have a hypothesis on why sugar does not work too well for us. The already known information is that sugar triggers our bodies into hibernation mode and causes us to store fat in preparation. This is also why you get ravenous and need more, despite if you’re fat or not. Your body is literally telling you to go find more sugar now in order to fatten you up. Remember the gingerbread house story?

So how does this affect the mind?

What if this also puts your mind into the present tense? What if this makes your connections latch onto the idea of the now, of the getting the food and storing it up? What if this causes you to stay in the same connections/thoughts to the point it is hard to have future thoughts or perception? It also makes us hyper. What if that is the body exerting tons of energy out to go and get that sugar? Waste energy now because you’ll be hibernating later. Just a hypothesis but is might make sense 😉 If you take it even further, what if it could lead to us wanting to go and be alone/hibernate? This could be part of the reason for anxiety.

About that Kiwi Chia Jam Though

It’s jam. Of course it is delicious.

Ingredients:

8 oz (about two cups) Kiwis

1/4 Cup Erythitrol, powdered

2 T Chia Seeds

1/4 Cup Water

To Create:

   1.   Chop the kiwis into small shapes. The larger the shapes the more chunky the jam will be.  For kiwis I found it easiest to slice them into rings and then peel the skin off.

Cut Kiwis

   2.   Grind your sugar in a spice grinder until powdered

Spice Grind

   3.    Coat kiwis with powdered sweetener and mix together.

Powdered Kiwis

   4.   Let release juices for about 5 minutes.

   5.   Mash kiwis with the back of a fork or go to war with a spoon. Let come to a boil.

Spoon Mash

   6.   Let the jam boil for about 7 minutes to let it thicken.

          (Imagine pictures for the following steps)

   7. Add 2 T of Chia seeds and stir for 1-2 minutes.

   8.   Remove from the heat and let cool for about fifteen minutes.

Final Kiwi Chia Jam

1.2 Net Carbs per Tablespoon

Goat Cheese and Cherry Mindtini

Mmm the simple life. Two flavors creating a mouth bursting cream level of delicious. All for your mind and body pleasure. There are times in our mouth lives where we just know two tastes were meant to come together. I was scrampering around in the fridge looking for food I wouldn’t feel the need to photograph. Food I could simply eat in secret. I grabbed two random things meant to just be consumed, enjoyed, and walked away from. Food far too simple to blog about. Then together they entered me and I knew they had to be shared.

Goat Cheese and Cherry Mindtini

Ingredients:

Your mind

Your body

Cherries

Goat Cheese

Mouthgasms

P.S. These would make great party snacks.

I meant to remove them from the sticks. To save some for later. They are saved now…just inside me. It turns out the glass was very useful for seed storage.

Finished Tini

Disclaimer: Unless you find humanely raised goat cheese dairy is not paleo. Here is a great article on it.

Macros per stick: Calories: 30.8g Fat: 2g, Sodium: 35.5mg, Potassium: 20.3mg, Total Carb: 1.4g, Net carb: 1.2 g, Protein: 1.8g