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Radish Chips (Low Carb and Paleo)

Raw Radish Leaves and Chips

*imagine healthy tip and witty personal story here*

If you do want epically indulgent ear stimulation though listen to this playlist. You’ll also be listening to the sounds I’m writing this to.

Health Tip: Do not resist dancing

Woot. Thought of a health tip. So now you’ll just have to imagine a personal story.

Radish and Leaves Chips Mind Lifting Mouthgasms

Radish Leaves and Chips Ingredients:

Optional Drizzle: 

2 Tablespoons of Coconut Butter

1 Tablespoon of Coconut Oil

Gently melt on low heat together for 15 seconds and drizzle over leaves and radishes.

Radish Leaves Chips Ingredients:

Leaves of a Radish Bunch

Small Drizzle of Avocado or Human Friendly Oil (not canola or fake EVOO)

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1/2 Teaspoon Various Spices (optional)

Herby spices work best

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 200 to maintain enyzmes/nutrients or 300 for a ten minute quickie.
  2. Cut the leaves away from the radishes.
  3. Thoroughly rinse out the leaves of dirt. The human body does not like the taste of dirt so be thorough
  4. Dry the leaves with either a salad spinner or by vigorous shaking over the sink. If too much water remains the leaves will not chip up with the other leaves, but can be baked longer into chips.
  5. Cut the leaves and stems multiple times.
  6. Toss the leaves and stems into a bowl.
  7. Toss the leaves in a small drizzle of oil and salt (too much oil will prevent chipping).
  8. Spread the leaves out thoroughly onto a silpat lined baking sheet or a parchment lined sheet.
  9. Bake at 200 for one hour (checking at 45 minutes and every three minutes after) or 300 for ten minutes. Turn the chips at the halfway point.
  10. Take the leaves out of the oven and set aside.

Baked Radish Chips Ingredients

Bunch of Radishes

1/2 Tablespoon Avocado or Human Friendly Oil

1/4 Tsp Salt

1/4 Tsp Various Spices

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 200 or 375 for a fifteen minute quickie.
  2. Peel/scrape off any strings.
  3. Cut the radishes into chips.
  4. Toss the chips in oil, salt, and spices or spray with coconut oil:
  5. Line the chips out on a baking sheet.
  6. Bake at 200 for an hour (check every five minutes afterwards) or 375 for ten minutes and then flip and bake for five

Visual Tutorial for Leaves:

   Preheat the oven to 200 to maintain enyzmes/nutrients or 300 for a ten minute quickie.

   Cut the leaves from the radishes:

Removing the leaves

   Rinse the leaves and toss off the water:

Shaking in my Leaves

   Cut the leaf bunch a few times:

Cut Again

   Put the cut remains into a bowl:

Into the Bowl

   Toss the leaves and stems in oil, salt, and spices:

Toss

   Lay the leaves out on the pan. Really spread them out as the bunched ones won’t crisp up:

Spread Out

   Bake at 200 for about an hour or 300 for ten minutes.

Visual Tutorial for Radish Chips

   Preheat oven to 200 or 375 for a fifteen minute quickie.

   Shave off any hairs:

I need shaved

   Cut the radishes into chips:

Chip Me

   Toss the chips in oil, salt, and spices or spray with coconut oil:

   Line the chips out on a baking sheet:

Lay On Pan

   Bake at 200 for an hour (check every five minutes afterwards) or 375 for ten minutes and then flip and bake for five

Radish Leaves and Chips Mind Lifting Mouthgasms

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Kale Chip Chicken Nuggets

Zombie fingers 2

I‘ve now had dreams of chicken nuggets spurting out the silver waste of unicorn blood.

Once you start sleeping in a hammock your dreams become as vivid as reality and so little bites of chicken, even in imagination form, caused the feeling of killing my favored horseish creature. We’ve leaped through Erasure’s voice in Always and believed in Schmendrick together. I thought my mouth was banned from chicken nuggets for life to avoid mind trauma.

This all spurred from watching Cooties, a comedy you can’t deny your mind of. This movie was so aware of its audience that it flawlessly brings out your chuckles right before soaking them in gore. Gore has always been more personally enjoyed than suspense or ear shattering music to me. The usual horror tactics work very well and I wind up jumping or…kind of…growling at the screen.

Cooties drops the common horror act and replaces Daniel Radcliffe’s horns with Elijah Wood’s hobbit gone…actually he remains pretty hobbit like. Jack McBrayer is still the gayest stereotype we’ve grown more sick of than the sickness you feel from the baby that gets bitten in this movie.

Yeah. Try to prepare for that mind trip. I’m sure Jorge Garcia will even share his shrooms with you.

Along with What We Do in the Shadows and It Follows this movie reminds you that there is more to movies than Failing Four and Jurassic Jupiter (because Jupiter lied to us about being able to rely on it too). Hopefully Cooties is still in theaters when you see this, or available on Netflix, because this movie is worthy of blisstons of praise and even kale chip encrusted recipes.

I‘m a variety human so I baked half of the chicken and fried the other half. I also coated half of the chicken in crushed up Kale chips and the other half in pork rinds. What? I’m single. Let me have pleasure.

The kale chip crackings were the most mouth soaking but pork rind fried chicken will always have its place on my fried chicken.

 

Ingredients for Cootie Free Chicken Nuggets:

The Breasts of 3 Chickens Cut into Two Inch Chunks

Enough Pickle Juice to Fill a Bag with 3 Chicken Breasts in it

(Quality of pickle juice matters, I go for TJ’s crunchicons and just pour out enough of the juice out to fill the bag and then put the lid back on and store it in the fridge)

1-2 Cups of Avocado Oil (or any frying oil)

4 Oz of Kale/Pork Rinds

or

2 Oz of Kale Shreds (I used Bombay Curry)

2 Oz Pork Skins (go for softer pork rinds and discard and super hard bits)

Final Chicken Nuggets

Prep Directions for Both the Oven and The Frying:

  1. Take a plastic bag or any dish that can hold things and put the chicken breasts in it.
  2. Fill the container with pickle juice and let it sit in the fridge overnight. Then go sleep or watch Cooties.
  3. Do not rinse off the pickle juice. It makes the kale chips or pork rinds stick to the chicken.
  4. The next day savor what you have watched and cut up the chicken into 2 inch chunks (or leave as strips).

Coated

Pan/Cast Iron Frying Directions:

  1. Coat your chicken chunks or strips in kale chips or pork rinds or both by pressing it deeply into them.
  2. Coat the bottom of a pan with enough frying oil to cover half of a chicken chunk.
  3. Fry each side for two minutes and remove from oil.

Oven Directions

  1. Set the oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Let your oven reach 400 degrees (about the time of an ARAM).
  3. Either toss your chicken in oil now then coat with kale chips or pork rinds or both, or coat them and then put the chunks in a bowl and drizzle in oil.
  4. Lay the chunks on a wire rack and set over a baking pan, or over a cupcake pan because you didn’t feel like finding a baking pan.
  5. Bake for 4 minutes and then flip and bake for 4 more minutes.

Baked vs. Fried

(Fried on the bottom baked on the top)

Fried vs Baked

For Avocado Mayo:

Ingredients

1 Avocado

1/4 Cup EVOO (list of lying ones here) or Avocado Oi

1/2 Teaspoon of Salt

1/2 Teaspoon Pepper

1/2 of a Lemon’s Juice

Sriracha (optional)

Directions:

  1. Process ingredients together or smash them a lot with a fork.
  2. Drizzle in sriracha.

CHickeN nUggEtS

Macros:

Depends on what Kale chips you use but according to all but the vegans/vegetarians/calorie counters this is healthy.

cootie-free-chicken-nuggets 2

Kiwi Chia Jam

The kiwi is a high fiber fruit. It even comes into your mouth at only 8 carbs per whole fruit. If you are staying under 20 that is a lot, I understand. It is a mere 1.2 net carbs per tablespoon though. If you are in maintenance or just doing the paleo game then welcome to my mouthgasms.

Every time I search what is healthy about a fruit or veggie the top search is always ‘ Item you Searched: Healthiest Food in the World” .  

Le sigh. Almost everything on this earth probably has some nutrition in it. The main issue is whether or not the human body can actually utilize those nutrients. This is why bread and grains just don’t go inside of us. They have tons of nutrition in various ways I’m sure, but we can’t absorb most of them. Also those FODMAPS are not human friendly.

If you have some time later please research this and come tell me what you find. The food our bodies absorb most tend to be vegetables, meats, and fruits. Dairy is a debate, nuts need to be soaked and grains got corrupted but seem to have once worked. Honestly it is a mind scourgy of caring and keeping up with it all. The thing is I feel so blissed out body and mind wise all day. The control I feel is barely believed due to the years I spent feeling out of control of my own mind and exercising the moment I saw any tummy fat.

The main thing you can do though is start to make things for yourself. That way you know exactly what is in it. 

The jams you get at stores tend to have preservatives and are hugged deeply by sugar. I actually have a hypothesis on why sugar does not work too well for us. The already known information is that sugar triggers our bodies into hibernation mode and causes us to store fat in preparation. This is also why you get ravenous and need more, despite if you’re fat or not. Your body is literally telling you to go find more sugar now in order to fatten you up. Remember the gingerbread house story?

So how does this affect the mind?

What if this also puts your mind into the present tense? What if this makes your connections latch onto the idea of the now, of the getting the food and storing it up? What if this causes you to stay in the same connections/thoughts to the point it is hard to have future thoughts or perception? It also makes us hyper. What if that is the body exerting tons of energy out to go and get that sugar? Waste energy now because you’ll be hibernating later. Just a hypothesis but is might make sense 😉 If you take it even further, what if it could lead to us wanting to go and be alone/hibernate? This could be part of the reason for anxiety.

About that Kiwi Chia Jam Though

It’s jam. Of course it is delicious.

Ingredients:

8 oz (about two cups) Kiwis

1/4 Cup Erythitrol, powdered

2 T Chia Seeds

1/4 Cup Water

To Create:

   1.   Chop the kiwis into small shapes. The larger the shapes the more chunky the jam will be.  For kiwis I found it easiest to slice them into rings and then peel the skin off.

Cut Kiwis

   2.   Grind your sugar in a spice grinder until powdered

Spice Grind

   3.    Coat kiwis with powdered sweetener and mix together.

Powdered Kiwis

   4.   Let release juices for about 5 minutes.

   5.   Mash kiwis with the back of a fork or go to war with a spoon. Let come to a boil.

Spoon Mash

   6.   Let the jam boil for about 7 minutes to let it thicken.

          (Imagine pictures for the following steps)

   7. Add 2 T of Chia seeds and stir for 1-2 minutes.

   8.   Remove from the heat and let cool for about fifteen minutes.

Final Kiwi Chia Jam

1.2 Net Carbs per Tablespoon

3 Ingredient Frozen Yogurt

Frozen yogurt is a blisswirl of flavors that are so refreshing and crisp you can barely take it in your mouth.

3 Ingredient Frozen Yogurt

With summer beating down, and my body dwelling in Texas, cold is a required mouthgasm, and those ice cream trucks are taunting. Mostly to throw bombs at them because they’re really loud and that song haunts all the way into my childhood.

I Googled around and to my bliss it you can very easily make frozen yogurt if you have yogurt and a freezer. If you want the blisswirls you’ll need to add sugar, salt and an ice cream maker.

To get the best of flavors and feelings you will need fully fat yogurt from flower raised cows that appreciate being inside you. Low-fat yogurt will have more sugar and tastes like sweetened water anyways. If you still buy low-fat then I don’t understand you and we’ll have to defriend on MySpace to symbolize our friendship being as dead as it.

I have some frozen yogurt for that burn, Once you put it in your mouth you’ll come back into my arms and we’ll unite in blisswirls of mouth cream together.

Erythritol is a sugar replacement with a lower GI that is also lower in carbs and calories. It has 6% of the calories of sugar and yet is still 70% as sweet. The bacteria in your mouth can use sugar for energy but neglects erythritol as food. In fact, 90% of this sweetener is excreted from the body. For more information on erythritol click or touch this word.

I am not a lover of the sugar cravings myself, but I’ve had this frozen yogurt for three days and haven’t wanted to scarf down tons of donuts. In fact, I’ve remained in full beast mode control of cravings.

The Taste

This yogurt is swirled with a crisp refreshing taste you only get from frozen churns of cream. I daresay it beats any froyo shop, especially since you can customize it to your taste. I’ll probably make a coffee and rose flavor soon with their extracts.

Ingredients:

   1 Container of Full Fat Grass Fed Yogurt (3 and 3/4 Cups). I used Maple Hills Creamery

   1/4 Cup Erythritol, 2 T Coconut Sugar (or Sweetener of Choice)

   1/4 Teaspoon Salt

   1 Teaspoon Lemon, Coffee, Vanilla, or Choice of Flavor Extract (optional)

How to Create

   1.   Combine the yogurt, sweetener, salt and extract into a bowl and whisk together.


Whisk

   2.   Refrigerate until the concoction reaches at least 45 degrees (mine was at 35 degrees with no refrigeration)

 3.   Pour into ice cream maker and churn according to manufacturer’s instructions

Pour

   4.   Mindbliss out over your frozen yogurt.

Creamed Yogurt

Note: This will come out as a soft serve. To make harder put in the freezer for about three hours.

Serving Size: 1/2 Cup

Macros: Fat: 5g, Carbs: 5.7g, Protein, 5g